WHAT THE FARK?

You know, somehow I feel that by posting this, I'm gonna get a shitload of problems.
FUCK IT!

It has been DAYS since you-know-what. And I'm like : YAY FREE!!
I've been bloody singing feminist songs like :

Irreplaceable - Beyonce.

I could have another you in a minute,
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
Your irreplaceable


Call me when you're sober - Evanescence

Don’t cry to me.
If you loved me, you would be here with me.
You want me, come find me.
Make up your mind.
Should’ve let you fall,
Lose it all,
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can’t keep believing,
We’re only deceiving ourselves,
And I’m sick of the lies,
And you’re too late.


Nancy Sinatra-  These Boots Are Made For Walkin

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

Gosh.. I've been an utter feminist.. I've been going around proclaiming my FREEDOM.
heck, I met a lot of people- guys espacially hung out with a couple of them, laugh everything out.

But..

These proclaimation remains a lie.


You, know.. people would be wondering to why I am so fucking blind to actually reconsider.I mean, it's over and done with Ary - it's not like you have a lot to lose. Is not like it's soo long. Compared to the other girls. I feel like I'm a mere NOTHING.

I mean honestly. It's not even like half a year. And it ended because of ....?

I couldn't help but feel that I'm not entirely to be blamed.

It takes two hands to clap right?

But I couldn't help but miss him.

There. Put me in an electric chair, fry me , burn me for being so weak.

But I just do. I dont know why. I'm so pulled in into him. It's like:

My mind is trying to tell me to let go.

Perhaps whatever thing he has been telling me is all lies. Who knows?

But my heart. MY FUCKING HEART aka FUCKING EMOTION is telling me to hold on.
You know how fucking annoying that is? YOU KNOW OR NOT?? It's like.. OMFG annoying. I'm just seating there doing my own thing, minding my own business... Then suddenly I'll have these annoying flash backs.

Flash backs of the past.. It's so so so fucking sad.

And then I'll think of the FUTURE. All the stupid plans I've made. The birthdays we won't celebrate, the anniversary we won't get to see. The holidays. The every thing.

Everything that I've dreamnt of for us is nothing. Nothingness. I feel so sad. Cos I honestly felt that these is the beginning of something promising.

Gosh.. It's tiring.. And it's not helping if he keep avoiding it. Honestly, I just don't know what he's up to. As much as I love him, staying on for so long 
without a clue is a feat to me. I'm not the kind of girl who would lie down and wait.. 
There's people out there.

It's either him or someone else. I so really want it to be him. I've been trying to decipher him.. Understand him.. 

It's like one step forwards and two step back. 

Why?

We are going nowhere. And I am still perfectly cluless. Hell, I understand that he wants to heal. But what about ME? Am I suppose to wait until he heal first, he realizing that it's not me then move on?

I can't keep pushing people away. I just need to know. Where to go from here. 
I 'm not talking about instant add water- relationship. I want something more substantial. 
I'm not talking about a Happily Ever After- I'm talking about something for real. 

It's not complicated. We'd work it out. It's not a matter of excuse. It's how you see it.

For once, this is not something pride and ego has a place in. I'm trying to make it work. 
Help me, or we'll just leave it. 

It's frustrating for me to know- that I love a guy so very much, but I can't be with him. 
This invisble boundary. Who sets upon it? Talk is CHEAP.. I can be all feminist and guy-bashing.
But I still do love him. Everyone can pelt me with eggs. But this is my life.

If I can't learn it this way, which other way do I have? I do feel that I ahve the rights to make my decisions. Now it's a matter if I'm going to get understanding and if he is going to be BALLSY enough to take this on. Who knows?

And if everything were to fall crashing down on me, at least I know now what matters the most.